Today has kinda been a hard day for me. My mind has been lost in thought for the better half of today.
See last year on Nov.22 I was in a pretty bad car accident and was taken to the hospital. There I spent 12 hours in the emergency room. As soon I walked into the door they put a brace around my neck and had me take THREE pain pills. I'm not sure the names of them but all I know is that they knocked me out!!! Three hours later they gave me another pill and two hours after that they gave me one more. The nurse came in and asked me if I was in pain, I said "my head is killing me" I remember she said "REALLY"? Like there is no way!!! But anyways my head was killing me and considering all the pain meds they had given me the doctors were concerned that I may have had bleeding around my Brain so they ordered a cat-scan. The nurse came in a asked me if there was anyway that I could be pregnant? Let me remind you that at this point I had been in that ER for 10 hours and have had many pain meds and then they finally decided that they were going to ask me if there was a chance. My response was "yes" so they did a blood test.
My husband had been in and out of my room throughout the day trying to keep my family informed so when the nurse walked back in he was out in the waiting room. Ha I remember the nurse asking me "where's the man that was with you"? (we were not married then) I told her he was out in the waiting room and she said "OK cause honey your pregnant"!!!!!! WHAT?????????? WHAT??????????? WHAT????????? this was all I could say. We were not trying, actually we were doing the exact opposite.I thought she was playing a trick on me or something. I had been on birth control since I was 14. So like I said WHAT?????????? The nurse said "whats wrong honey? Is he not the father"???? OMG!!!! "OF COURSE HE IS" said. Stupid lady not everybody sleeps around ughhhhhhhh!
Well within seconds I passed back out and when I woke up he was at my side. He looked up at me and I said "we're pregnant"! WOW!!! He just sat there for a moment and then tears. He was crying. He was so happy. He said "we're gonna have the most beautiful baby anybody has ever seen". We both just sat there crying, words could not express the amount of joy that was in our hearts.
January 4 (My husbands birthday) I decided to take a PT because I hadn't since the ER did a blood test on me but I was thinking I wanted one for the baby book. So I drove up to the store and bought one. I came home and took it. Negative! I got back in my car and went back in the store and this time I bought a pack of three. Negative Negative Negative!!!
My husband came home to find me in the floor crying my eyes out. I couldn't get up. I couldn't talk. All I could do was cry. He then looked on the counter and knew what I was crying about. He jumped up and called the Doctor. They said that most likely it just didn't take. But went ahead and had me come in the next morning. That night instead of making my husband his birthday dinner and eating his birthday cake all we did was cry.
The next morning I went to the Doctor. And Negative!
Why has been the question on my mind ever since that day. Why me? We weren't even trying to have a baby we had already made a plan to wait five years. We wanted to be married for awhile (by the way we had gotten married shortly after we found out that we were going to have a baby, we were already planning the wedding before I found out but decided we would rather spend the money on a house and baby stuff then on a wedding) but after we found out that we were going to be parents that was all we could think about. We loved that baby from the moment we knew it was there.
My husband and I then decided that we did not want to wait, we wanted that baby so bad and it was taken from us and all we knew was we wanted that again. So we have "been trying" since January. 10 months of trying and NOTHING! Every month I get excited thinking this could be it. And then good ol mother nature has to show up and I spend the next week in consist thought of why?
Yesterday my friend Katie sent me an email ( posted below). I read this with tears falling down my cheeks. Last night when my husband got home I showed it to him and he cried. We know that God has a reason for everything he does but we both still don't understand! I guess its not really for us to understand and I guess we should be thankful. We only had a chance to love that baby for a very short time unlike a lot of people who get to carry their child full term and then have to say their good-byes but i still have the whys in the back of my head like I'm sure most mothers who have had to say good-bye do.
This was not the blog I intended to write today but this is what is on my mind today, at this moment. My husband I and are trying to deal with this still and to do our best to put it in Gods hands. God had his reason for taking our baby and one day he will answer that for us, but for now we are not going to give up we have faith that God will bless us with the most beautiful child someday until then I will continue to be all absorbed in all the other children God has created that I adore. If you have children thank God for them tonight. Make sure your child knows that you love them because you never know when God will decide it's time for your baby to go back home with him. And to those of you who have lost a child my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am truly sorry for your lost and I pray that God will help you during this time. One day we will all be with our babies again in Heaven.