Sunday, March 18, 2012

My Journey

OK so the date is set.... March 30th! (and it only took five months)

My first meeting with my Doctor he told me that I would only have to stay in the hospital that day and now all of a sudden he is wanting to keep me over night. Is this because when he asked me if I had any questions for him my reply was only one.... " am I going to die"????

Yes I asked this. Why wouldn't I? It's a serious question, people die every day having surgery.

Then I ask about Eviee. Since I am still breastfeeding my plan was to have her with us at the hospital so that I could nurse her right before they take me back. And also cause I just cant stand to be away from her. Anyway the plan was my mom was going to meet us at the hospital. I was going to nurse her before they take me back and then my mother had ORDERS not to leave until I got out and got to see Eviee. Then she was going to take her home for the day. Once they released me to go home then mom would meet us at home with my sweet angel. That was until.....

The Doctor told me NOT TO HAVE HER UP THERE!!!! I mean I know how bad hospitals are and NO I do not want to put my baby in harms way... I guess I never really thought that part through. So now that he has told me no and I have thought it through no Eviee will not be up there. I do not want her to get anything. But omg I am going to miss her so much!!!! If I have to stay over night like he is wanting  then Eviee will stay with my mom. This will be the first time she has ever been away from me all night. I hope like hell they keep my on some good drugs or else I'm gonna be freaking out. Ive been crying everyday thinking about being away from her all that time. Is she going to think momma left her forever???  Makes me so sad to think about.

Ive also been praying everyday that God lets me come out of this all right. I ask him everyday to please bring me back to Eviee. Please bring me back to Sean. Everyday.

I think I'm starting to have panic attacks again thinking about all of this.

Ive been so worried that I have had myself ALL KINDS OF MESSED UP!!! HA I thought I was pregnant!!! Yes I said it PREGNANT!!! I was two weeks late then THANKFULLY good ol mother nature stopped in for a visit!!!

I still am having second thoughts ( a little) I'm just so worried that something is going to go wrong with the surgery and will it have be worth it??? It's has gotten so bad that I have seriously told my self "don't worry so much I mean the worst that will happen is you die and if your dead you ain't going to care" Is that not horrible???

With that being said Ive thinking that I need to get a life insurance policy on myself. Sean and Eviee both have one but I don't. Maybe I should look into that.

Is it normal that I am so scared of dying from this and yet it hasn't changed my mind??? Is that a little sign that everything is going to be OK and I'm just freaking out over nothing??? I sure hope so. Until then I am just going to keep praying to God to please let everything be OK. Extra prays would help too please.... Thanks!!!!

On a happier note I am looking forward to two weeks after. Two weeks after the band is put in I will get the fluid put in. That will be day one! Day one of my new life. My doctor was reminding me that this is  a tool. A tool to teach you about portions and changing your life. I simply told him that I am ready. I have several pieces of exercise equipment and I bought a jogging stroller and I have P90X so don't worry doc I'm am ready for this change!

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