Sunday, July 1, 2012

Bag full of emotions


I am so overwhelmed with emotions about Eviee turning a year old. All my life all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. As a very little girl playing with my baby dolls,  a teenager babysitting all the children in the neighborhood, to being an adult and knowing that the only job I wanted was in a daycare where I could be surrounded by what I love... children. All while dreaming of the day when I would have my very own to hold. A child I could name. A child I could dress up each and everyday. I child I could proudly walk around with. A child that nobody would take away from me at the end of the day.

The day I found out I was going to be a mom was the absoult best day in my entire life. That day change my world. That day change who I was. That day change who Sean and I were to each other. That day that day was magical

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Every day since July 14 at 5:44 p.m. I have cried. I have cried and I have thanked God and cried and thank God and cried and thank God. I get so emtional just looking at Eviee. Everytime she makes a cute face, or falls asleep in my arms, everytime she gives me kisses or just hugs me I have to fight tears and tears win. But these last few weeks have been really hard on me. Ive been working on everything for her birthday and was doing really good until her invitiations arrvied. When I opened them and saw "Eviees turning 1" I just totally lost it. My baby the one I longed for, for so long was going to one. How in the hell is that even possible. I remember sitting here this time last year so incridabliey pregnant and thinking I couldnt wait any longer to see my baby. And now here we are two weeks (give or take a day) from celebrating her first birthday.


This past year I have smiled more then I ever have my entire life! This past year I have felt more love then I ever knew possible. I have learned so much about myself and about the relationship my husband and I have. This year I have fallen even more in love with him.  I feel like this was the year my life began.


Ive mentioned before about how Sean would love nothing more then to have another child. Thank goodness I married a man who loves kids but good grife that would be FIVE kids for him. LOL. And for so long I didnt want to have any other children. Actually from the moment I found out we were having a baby girl. That changed me. I always wanted to have three children of my own but always said that I think I could be very happy with just one. Well that proved to be true up until about a month ago I was totally against having more.


Sean and I talk lot about children. The children we have the children we dont have that he wants LOL and other peoples children :) One night he and I were talking about how Logan wants a brother so bad. I said "im trying to convice myself that I want to have another baby" Sean then repiled "well dont because Im trying to convince myself that I dont want another one"  "I know that you dont want anymore and I want to make you happy". This man let me tell you. He is so increditable! He gives all women hope that there really are true gentleman left in the world. He is always trying to make me happy. He wants me to be happy no matter what and that means no matter what he wants. I have always said to him and others that I do not deserve him. He is way to good for me. He is amazing!


Well the moment he said " I want to make you happy" my mind just kinda stop and thought about that for days. I just kept thinking about how in the last four and a half years the only two things (of meaning) that this man has asked of me is to marry him and two have another baby. Eviee we decided on together!!!! So I thought about it and thought about it. I then found out that somebody very close to me would be welcoming a second child to their family next year and that REALLY got me thinking. I told Sean about this person and I could see his eyes light up. I was actually kinda mean to him, he came home from work and I just immeditinly screamed "so and so is pregnant and I want to be too". Well the moment I said that it was a total lie. I guess I just wanted to see what he would say or do. But when he repiled "really" and I saw that look in his eyes my mind just has not been the same.


The last two or three days all I can think about is of course Eviee turning one and why dont I just have another baby. I mean really why shouldnt I?????  Why shouldnt I give this wonderful man what he wants. He has already given me everything why couldnt I do this for him? I may not feel the same way I did when we decided to have Eviee but I would be so happy so in love with that child just as I am with Eviee. So why not have another baby????

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