Sunday, September 16, 2012

Where Im supposed to be

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table looking out the window watching the rain come down and listening to Eviee play with "her tubber ware", thinking I am where I'm supposed to be.

My life wasn't bad growing up per say but it definitely had tons of room for improving. There was always something going on. And 9 times out of 10 is wasn't good.

When I was 16 I suffered from serve depression. I felt as though I had no one. I remember always feeling like I did belong  any where or with anybody.

 After some time I finally got out of my funk met a new group of people (thanks to my job) and things were looking up.... for a while.

Then I did something so stupid.  What was I even thinking? I wasn't thinking. He was so wrong. On every level wrong. And I knew it the second he said Hi. But that didn't stop me. After two years of living through hell knowing I did not belong with him I still said "yes" to marrying him. Why is it when we know we shouldn't do something, know we don't belong we still try. We try to be the one they need the one they want. We try to make them the one we need and want. But sometimes no matter how hard we try it just doesn't work.

Only by the grace of God I did not marry that man. I would to hate think where my life would be today or if I would even be here. (the man ended up to be a child abuser, drug addict, acholoic not to mention a cheater).  Sometimes you have to stop trying so hard to find the perfect person, stop trying to make the relationship work when you know it never will. Sometmes you have to just stop and let God lead the way. 

I met Sean while working at a daycare. I thought he was hot as hell but did not think for a second I had a chance with him. That didn't stop me though. I went nuts every time he walked into the building. And when he started really talking to me O MAN! I lost it!!! I remember telling a co-worker of mine that I was going to marry that man. She laughed and reminded me that I did not believe in marriage. You know parents divorced after almost 16 years, none of my friends parents were still together. I almost married a man who was still sleeping with his ex-wife (a week before our wedding and yes I knew he was for a long time and no she wasn't the only one he was sleeping with) and every boyfriend I ever had always thought there was something better around the corner (maybe there was). But I guess something deep inside of me just knew he was meant for me.

We started dating and instantly fell in love. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and have a family of our own. But sometimes life has other things in mind.

 A good friend of mine (my age) past away and honestly I just lost it. I left Sean in Tulsa and moved back in with my parents and instantly knew that was the dumbest thing I have ever done (to date) LOL. We of course got back together but I stayed with my parents for a couple of months.

After two months I knew I had to get back to Tulsa. I had to be with Sean. He is the only person that has ever really made me feel wanted. He's the only man I have ever walked with in a store and not felt like he was checking out that girl who just walked by. Sean makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world and at the same time if we are in a crowded room he makes it well known that I am his. I now believe I never experienced true love until him. The other few times I don't even know what those were but this what he and I have its true love.

Being with him I feel so loved, so safe. I know he loves me and yet everyday he amazes me by showing me just how much. He makes it a point daily to express how in love with me he is. He makes me feel whole.

July 14, 2011 our darling daughter was born. I had no idea that I could love someone as much as I loved Sean, but the moment they placed her into my arms this sense of "complete" fell over me. Our life together is nothing like I have ever known. We have a perfect marriage. We do not fight. We are not looking around the corner for something better.. We are in love with each other and with our daughter.

Sean is at work and even though I miss him and wish he was here with us I still feel so happy. So loved. I spoke with him earlier and just hearing him say "I miss you" "I miss Eviee" I know this is where I was always meant to be.

I love spending my days playing with Eviee when Sean is at work. Waiting around for 6pm to start cooking dinner so its done the moment Sean walks in the door at night. The days he's off work we just hang out together as a family and I wouldn't trade it for anything or anyone in the world.

You know getting married and having a baby changes a lot of things. Some good and some not so good. Some people stay in your life and others don't. It does suck to loose someone you cared about for so long just because you have a different life then them. And it sucks even more when they do get the same kind of life and you can't rekindle the friendship. But that's life I guess. All you can do is try. If its meant to be then it will be. And if not I have everything I need with in my home. I have my loving husband and our beautiful daughter. This is my life. This is where I'm supposed to be. I pray that God gives us, ALL THREE OF US a long happy healthy life together.

1 comment:

  1. I love how you love my son and that makes me love you so much!!! And Eviee, she's just icing on the cake!!! Y'all are a perfect family and I love y'all with all my heart!!!