Friday, March 1, 2013

Heart full of love

Babies. They are everywhere. EVERYONE is pregnant! Everyone and their grandma are pregnant. No I'm for real they are everywhere!

Its funny how you think you have your mind completely made up and then all it takes is for your friend/friends to get pregnant then all of sudden in a blink of an eye your back on the baby wagon.
It happened that way for me. Within a day I was back on that baby wagon. I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to have a newborn again. Newborns are simple amazing little miracles. I could sit and hold a newborn all day. I miss having a newborn. I miss those sweet little noises newborns make. They lay their on you like a bag full of potatoes and they like it! HA! I miss little bitty diapers and clothes. I miss breastfeeding. I miss the smell of a newborn. I miss everything there is to miss about having a newborn.

Why does it happen like that? Before I got married, before I meant my husband I knew I was going to have three kids. That was the plan. I thought I would marry a man a couple of years older then me and we would make three beautiful babies together. But what my plan didn't know was that I would fall in love and one day marry a man who was 12 and half years older then me. And what my plan didn't know was that he would already have three children. And really what my plan didn't know was that the moment the ultrasound technician told me I was going to be having a daughter my heart would feel complete. For years and years my heart longed to be a mother to three beautiful children but in that moment my heart was completely full of love and 100% content in love with the idea of being a mom to a daughter. One daughter. One child. This child would steal my heart more and more each day until there wasn't any other place in my heart for any other children. This is how my heart has felt since I found out I was having a girl March of 2010.

Hey guess what? I'm pregnant! What? Really? OMG I want to be pregnant too!!!!  That's all it takes when all of your girlfriends are pregnant. Even when you have a plan. Even when deep down we know we don't really want another, at least right now. All it takes is an announcement of a new baby
and suddenly everything changes.

Valentines day this year I had it all worked out. Sean had told me when we had Eviee that it was totally up to me whether or not we would have another baby. He told me that he would know I had for sure made up my mind that we were done when I gave him his appointment to go get the ol' snippety snip. So we talked and talked and I thought and thought. I spent hours starring at Eviee and thinking about the life I wanted for her. Thinking about how I love the dynamic of our family, just the three of us. Thinking how I never want Eviee to have fight for attention. Or how I never want to have to tell her mommy can't come to your dance recital because I have to go to your brothers ball game. I never wanted to have to worry about how we would provide for her. We want to send her to private school and put her in tons of activites and lets face it, it is easier with just one child. I could go on and on with all the things I want for Eviee and things I never want to say to her. And all things I have thought we wouldn't, maybe get to do with Eviee if we had more children. My mine has run wild for nine months thinking of all the things we wouldn't be able to give her.

 My heart is worried. My heart is scared. My heart is still so hurt by the lose of my two babies. I'm scared. I am so scared that the next pregnancy is going to end in a miscarriage. My heart can't take loosing another baby. There is no question I can not take loosing another baby! Maybe deep down that's why my heart has felt complete since Eviee. Maybe my heart knows something I don't. I'm scared.

A good friend made a comment. She said the reason she wanted more then one child is because she did not want that child to be alone when her and her husband are gone. That really spoke to me. I have spoken with alot of people who were an only child and they hated it and told me not to do that to Eviee. (yes she has three half siblings but they chose to not be around and we don't think that is going to change).

So two days before Valentines day I was getting ready to make Sean his snippy snip appointment. I was going to write in his Valentines day card something like this " honey I love you so much blah blah blah now go get snipped"! HA! For real something like that. Sean gets home from work two days before Valentines Day and out of the middle of no where he tells me that he thinks we should have one more child! WTH!!!!!

All it takes is for your girlfriends to get pregnant to make you want to be pregnant but the same thing is said when the man you love wants to have another baby with you.

Seeing Sean with Eviee day after day I fall more and more in love with him. He is an amazing father and husband. And you know what I am going to give him another baby! Why shouldn't I??? He wants another baby for us and for Eviee. He spent most of his childhood as an only child and hated it and he doesn't want that for Eviee. He wants her to grow up with siblings like I did. My brother and I don't get along that great but my sisters and I are best of friends and even though he and I don't get along we are always there for each other no matter what and Sean wants that for Eviee. He wants her to grow up with a sibling in the same house as her. He wants her to know what it is like to have everything he didn't. And he really is hoping to have another son. One who he can raise daily. One to be his little side kick but the are going to have to compete with Eviee because she is becoming Daddy's little sidekick these days.

Honestly I would still get him "fixed" (he hates when I say it like that LOL). I am so completely happy with just Eviee but deep down I know that in five to ten years I will regret not having any more children. My plan did not work out the way I planned it. Sean and I will have just one more not two. Unless God has other plans we will get pregnant with one baby. I will one day have two children. One day! But for now Eviee has stolen my heart and my heart is happy. So one day we will have another baby and when baby comes my heart will be stolen again.


3 comments:

  1. Awww this is sweet :) so happy for you guys!

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  2. I feel the same way, my love. With each of my kids, when they were first born, i went to the nursery with them. as they cried, I put my pinky finger in the palm of their hands. when they wrapped their fingers around my pinky finger, they stopped crying. ever since, I have been wrapped around theirs. just like I'm wrapped around yours, baby.

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